Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Brain Spill: High School Stuff

I'm a freshman in high school.

Old building
I was browsing around on YouTube, when I decided to look up my high school. I found a video of a walkthrough of the entire 1900s building, that has since been torn down. The building had a lot of cool features, including a balcony in the auditorium, bridges, a mezzanine in the cafeteria, unreasonably slim lockers... A lot of which was neglected in the video, but I've heard about through people who experienced the old building. I never really went in to the old building ever, because it was scary or whatever. I regret that now of course. In fact, this year's graduating class was the last one to attend at the old building--so after they graduate, all traces and memories of the old building will be erased. THOSE are the hallways I would have walked with my friends. That would have been me.
When I was watching the video, I felt a weird sense of nostalgia, even though I barely stepped foot in the building. I miss it, even though I never had it to begin with. I don't know... I just really wish I got to go to that building. The video had really old pictures of kids in the 1900s with crazy 60s hairstyles, and I wish I got to relive that.

FEAR
I think I realized why I miss middle school so much. It's because graduation was in the distant future--I didn't have to think about what I'd do after high school. In middle school, it felt like I'd never get out of grade school; like I'd always be going to classrooms by day and watching silly YouTube videos by night. But now that I'm in high school, graduation isn't all that far away. I realized that I really have to savor my next four years, because I'll never have this again. Grade school is freaking great- I get to talk and laugh with my best friends every day at school, and text them the second I get home, there are people there to look out for you. I know that I live in blissful ignorance of most world events and just the world around me in general.
But this won't last forever. After senior year, out I go into the real world. I'll go to college and have to make completely different friends and wave goodbye to those who I hold most dear to my heart to this day. After high school, I may never see those people ever again. My parents will never serve me dinner every night again. They'll never again buy me yogurt and Luna bars no matter how expensive they are. They'll never do my laundry and fold my clothes again.
There are people in MY SCHOOL who are leaving for college next year. I will WITNESS people leave the place I inhabit and NEVER COME BACK. that's scary.
Sure, I like to be self-sufficient and crap, but I like to be coddled. I love my friends and family and I don't want to part with them, ever. I want high school to last forever... but it won't.
Next year, I'll be a sophomore. Still pretty close to a freshman. But the year after that, I'll be a junior! One of  the upperclassmen, with more responsibilities and more freedom. Junior year is not just anothe year of high school. It's the year before everything gets pulled away from you. Like taking candy from a baby. And the year after that I'll be a senior. And then I'm gone for good. If you think about it, I'll be on my last year of high school the year after the year after next year. It's not too far away.
The end is in sight.
I don't like that. It's too scary. I don't want to wave goodbye to people I love. I'm fucking lucky to be surrounded by all these wonderful people, and I never want to say goodbye.
The end is no longer in the distant future. The reality is, before I know it I'll be a senior and I'll never see any of my classmates ever again. No thank you.

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