Thursday, December 31, 2015

What Twenty One Pilots Means to Me


Everyone says how Twenty One Pilots helped them through tough times, maybe even saved their lives. I don't really have a sob story like that, but Twenty One Pilots is just as meaningful to me.

In the past, I've dealt with the occasional bout of depression, social anxiety, and loneliness. I also pluck my eyebrows obsessively. All of these things are out of my control.
The worst part of social anxiety is that nobody believes me. Every day I overcome social anxiety, and it's hard, and since they can't see it they don't believe it. They think I'm just shy, or just rude. I've learned to ignore it now, but I still sweat and/or shake when meeting new people, even online. Sometimes I'll be in a new situation, meeting new people, and I'll convince myself I'm fine, but then I'll notice I'm shaking and can't hold a pen, or my pits are sweat stained. Sorry for the mental image.
When I heard Twenty One Pilots for the first time, I thought of all my issues and even though I don’t totally understand what the message is of every song, their music makes me feel like I'm not alone and that I shouldn't give up.

Right now, I've been doing well for a long time. My last bout of sadness/depression was in October, when I slipped away from a get together with my friends, convinced nobody would notice if I quietly walked in the other direction. They did notice, but I almost felt like they were relieved to have me gone. It was really bad. I felt like nobody cared about me. I just got detached.
These difficult times can arise at random, with no apparent trigger, or they can be triggered by a prolonged period of time without seeing my friends. Which is strange because I was always a loner as a kid, and I would have considered myself introverted until high school. Maybe that's why I have this problem now. In elementary school, I never had friends who liked me. I had mediocre friends, sure, but they all seemed to genuinely not like me. They were always annoyed by me. I remember one time in fifth grade, everyone got in groups for a singing-related assignment and I asked two of my friends if I could be in their group. They said no. So I had no group. I went to the teacher and told her I didn't have a group, and she put me with my "friends." The first thing they said to me was, "you're out of tune." We were eleven years old. I didn't know what "out of tune" meant and I doubted they did either. To this day, I live in fear that people don't like me unless they go out of their way to show me in a million different ways.

Twenty One Pilots helps. Their music tells me to keep going and to never give up and that I'm not alone and one day maybe I'll be happy. It'll all be okay. I know other people have it way worse than me, which is why I say "I don't have a sob story." I simply want to show you how much their music means to me, as your average teenager with teenager problems.


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